Valentine’s Day is upon us in a few days and thousands of people around the world who celebrate this day are getting ready with chocolates, bears, flowers and more!

Aside from the conveniently increased slew of commercials from jewellery stores on television and walking into a store a few weeks ago to pick up something, and passing through a long aisle of “red”, I have to tell you I would have been quite oblivious to this day coming up myself.

As part of the spiritual journey that my husband and I began a couple of years ago now, we have really put into practice the preciousness of each day. Thus part of the Evolving Beings philosophy is that as nice as holidays can be, we do not need special occasions to remember someone, show them love, romance, care, respect or give them a gift or surprise. It is just too limiting to the human spirit to be told how and when to act a certain way.

So with Valentine’s Day coming up, I was thinking of writing along this topic this week and came across a post from Mark at The Naked Soul entitled “Valentine’s Day – Just Another Day To Those Who Are Romantic.” I read it and my soul soared. He expressed so beautifully, what I too believe and how I live when it comes to love, romance and Valentine’s Day.

It really is not about the quality of that day – it is about the quality of our relationships every day. And so I write this article today to inspire and free those of us who feel confined by this day to move in a new direction – a direction where love and romance is not bought, or measured, or compared – but lived out daily as the natural state of our existence.

Love And Romance Before Valentine’s Day

So what happened? Did Valentine’s always exist? Heck no! And yet we still managed to be loving and romantic minus the stuffed teddy bears, chocolates and exuberant jewelery for hundreds of thousands of years.

From the beginning of time humans have found many beautiful and creative ways to express their love, care and respect for each other. Just look at nature, there are so many beautiful courting dances and signs of deep affection.

And then along came Valentine’s Day…and so many people shifted their natural state of being, into a pre-defined boxed state.

So you may think, “what’s wrong with expressing our love through chocolates, bears and flowers?” Well nothing at all – it is just another way to express care, love, respect, etc. The problem is not with how we express ourselves, but in the why and when.

While I generally speaking have nothing against the idea behind Valentine’s Day, I do not feel it serves the majority one bit in the way it is set up today. I think it can have its place perhaps in those high school relationships or early dating stages – although even then, it may hurt more people than it helps. I also think it is a different story, when it comes to truly united and committed relationships.

The reason I feel that way is because let’s face it, Valentine’s day is set up as a commercial holiday. And really if we are with someone we love, we shouldn’t need an excuse to be “nice” to them. And if we do, then perhaps we need to re-examine our relationships.

Aside from the “why & when” therefore, it is also set up in a really unfair way to a lot of people. Think about the low income family where the husband will never be able to buy the wife a piece of expensive jewellery. While of course there are many non-materialistic ways to express love and romance – it is not making her feel any better thinking “of all the women out there who are getting things she never will.”

The reality of course is so different. But the bottom line is that aside from being materialistic, as extra happy as some people will be that day, for every one of them or more, there are people who are extra unhappy that day thanks to society putting on unrealistic pressures.

Pressures to Measure Up

So why wait till that day? You may have been in the mood to make, do or buy something special for your sweetheart weeks ago and resisted it, thinking “I am going to wait till Valentine’s day.” Why do we do this to ourselves? The precious and only moment we have is now after all and there is no more powerful moment than that.

What if circumstances change and that Valentine’s day never comes for you – then you missed a beautiful opportunity to express yourself. I will not mention here to dampen the mood, but I have heard many a story where the person regretted deeply not going through with their expression of affection for various reasons, some of which you can imagine.

And what if when that day comes and you are not even in the mood to do action x, y, or z – should you still be forced to go through with it?

Honestly, I can only think of 3 reasons why people would not want to express love, romance, care, respect… daily and hence wait to that day:

1. Obligation
   Deep inside they don’t want to do an expression of love on a regular day (for whatever reason) but of course feel forced to do it THAT day.
2. Need an Excuse
   Life gets in the way, each day may be too busy, lived too separate, so they force themselves that day because that is what society says to do.
3. Motivation
   Some people just need that push to move them in a certain direction. The idea of having no motivation to do it on other days, may however be indicative of a deeper issue, as we can see that people who really like (never mind love each other) are motivated daily to treat each other in the best ways they can think of.

All of this of course boils down for many guys to, “well that is what is expected of me” or “I better get her something” and why is the onus put on men in our modern day society so much more heavily too? For women it often comes down to “he doesn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated” or some other similar array of thoughts and feelings. Both of these paradigms of course do not serve any of us one bit.

Advice for Both for Having a Great Valentine’s Day-ly

Communicate, communicate and communicate!

This is the number one thing to not just having a happy Valentine’s day, but to having a happy “every day”.

I once had a female friend who always complained that her partner never got her flowers, especially on Valentine’s Day. When I asked her if she mentioned to him something about this and how much it would mean to her, she replied “I shouldn’t have to say anything – he should know this kind of stuff.”

Point and case – no he shouldn’t. Some women like flowers, and some don’t care much for them. The same goes for jewellery, chocolates, bears, trinkets or whatever you can think of.

Thus one of the biggest reasons why we end up getting disappointed on days like Valentine’s day, is that we put into our minds preconceived notions of what we expect of our partner. And if they do not deliver according to our expectations, resentment starts to build. But how is this fair, especially if you have not voiced your preferences?

To drive the point across another way, I once had a male friend say that he is just not into expressing himself romantically, nor did he believe in the whole flowers, bears, chocolates, etc. Well he did not express this to his partner and you can imagine where that lead to. She kept thinking he was cold and didn’t care enough and he just did what he felt was right to him.

Thus communicate and be fair to your partner. If your partner wants and likes regular hugs and kisses and you don’t – that needs to be communicated and discussed in terms of how both parties will be fulfilled. There are many more examples where we can take this, but I am sure you get the point.

So if you love Valentine’s Day and want to celebrate it in a traditional way, then go ahead and have fun, but communicate that expectation to your partner. If you want to celebrate love every day – then even better, but establish that with your partner as well.

Advice for Her

Ladies, the main piece of advice I want to give you, so that you may free yourself from the confines of Valentine’s Day expectations is this:

“Do not judge your self worth through how your partner expresses themselves on Valentine’s Day.”

Maybe he will get you a materialistic gift or plan a romantic evening, and maybe he won’t. This in no way should be an indicator of how much he loves or respects you.

And no, it is not fair to tell him you really don’t want anything, but secretly hope and wait that he ends up getting you something anyway. There is no point of playing games with them or yourself.

If you want love and romance, be the example and give love and romance. If it is not reciprocated, once, twice and after talking about it – then perhaps you should be thinking deeper about the relationship in general.

Bottom line – love, romance and all the rest of the wonderful things should be felt everyday and not reserved for or judged in one day.

Advice for Him

Guys, in no way should you feel obligated to do anything you do not want to do on Valentine’s Day or any other day for that matter. Free yourself from the whole commercialism of this day. After all most women will much rather appreciate daily respect, kindness and support over some gift.  So my advice to you is:

Be yourself! If you want to be romantic, be romantic! Don’t think it is “girly” or what other guys would think of you if you regularly hug, kiss or leave your partner a romantic note.

And if you really love and care for that person and want to express the loving and romantic human being that you are – then it will come naturally and daily in so many beautiful ways, not just on one day when it is almost “forced” out of you.

But again communicate with your partner and be honest with what makes you comfortable.

In my experience, if a guy is really in love with a woman then doing nice little things for her daily is his pleasure and he actually looks forward to all the different ways he can express himself as a loving, caring, respectful being thanks to his partner, no matter what else is going on in his life.

Valentine’s Day-ly!

The truth is that we should not need motivation or excuses or feelings of obligation to act a certain way.

You want love, be the love. You want romance, show the romance. You want respect, give the respect. Bottom line, if you are really deeply in love, united and committed, you just don’t need this or any other excuse to express your love to each other. You see something you like for them, buy it. If you want to touch them through a massage or kiss – just do it. You want to have a romantic night out – plan it and go through with it on any day that serves you both.

When you incorporate expressions of love, care and respect each day, they become much more meaningful to both parties. The quality of your relationship soars!

After all, why do we let those feelings that brought us together in the first place fade away? They felt and feel wonderful so indulge in them daily!!!! You may become amazed at how much more satisfaction and happiness you will find in all other areas of your life thanks to this.

In conclusion, the purpose of any relationship is to express yourself and hopefully in the highest version, and can you imagine if you leave that for just one day? You are actually depriving your soul and your spirit of its natural state of being.

You got together with this person because you felt a special connection to them and it felt wonderful. No matter your job, or how many kids you have or what economical situation you are in – you can still always have that. Don’t let the illusions of life get in the way, because when you have each other – you can take on anything that comes your way, and that is more priceless than any gift that Valentine’s Day can provide!

By the way, if you are not in a relationship, it is still possible to feel “Valentine’s Day-ly!”. Do you know how many people there are in our society that need a nice word, a hug or some other gesture of kindness? Don’t sit around at home moping that you are “alone” – you never are! Remember, if you want love – be the love! Get out and volunteer this weekend at a teen group home, a hospital nursery or a senior’s residence and allow yourself to feel love and kindness beyond what some feel in romantic relationships. I almost guarantee, you may have your best Valentine’s Day ever – which will lead you to seeing how possible it is to have love daily no matter what situation you are in!

*Photo provided by Kjunstorm

About the author:
Evita Ochel, B.Sc., B.Ed., CHN - is the main author of EvolvingBeings.com where she writes about spiritual and personal development. She hopes to inspire people, to truly live out the life of their dreams and awaken the highest version of themselves. She is also a nutritional science and holistic health expert for optimal health and longevity. Learn more about Evita Ochel or Follow Evita Ochel on Twitter.