Our lives today seem to be so fast paced. Hence many people seem to crave routine, predictability and consistency. While there need not be anything wrong with that, we cannot forget that life is all about change – life itself is change and it is impossible to get away from that. While you yourself may try to stay constant, the world around you will continue to change.
As we go through life, grow and change, various new things, people and experiences come along our way. There is excitement and novelty that usually accompanies this. However at some point that novelty usually wears off and it is important then to be very aware of what is left when that happens. Is it something deeper, or simply a refusal to change? Secondly, what once served our soul, our being, may no longer serve us at another point and usually this is the case with many things in our lives.
So as long as we go through life with the natural flow of things and pass through changes smoothly, many of us will find life always blissful and move through it with grace and ease. However, since a lot of us resist change, what often happens is that we are afraid to move through a change and sometimes either we get “attached” to something or something gets “attached” to us that is no longer serving us. Hence for today, let us look at what is or could be standing in our way or bringing us down from moving on, to grow and live out a new and higher version of ourselves.
The Past Was Once The Present, But No Longer is Today
If you look around your home today or look at your life, I have no doubt you will easily find one if not many things that are there (in your life) for the wrong reasons. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about the “wrong” as in there is a “right and wrong”, but in the sense that you are holding onto something for reasons that are no longer serving your being.
The easiest example is to look at the material items that we got in the past. Say you got a keepsake from someone that meant a lot to you at the time you got it. As the years went on however, the meaning that this item carries has changed, perhaps even your relationship with that person has changed and yet you refuse to part with the item because you are attached to a moment in the past that symbolizes this item.
Another common example are the people in our lives. Think of perhaps the relationships that you currently have with the people in your life – friends, family, romantic or working ones. Are all of the people in your life empowering and supporting your growth or are some perhaps holding you back from moving on or reaching your higher potential?
While it may be easy to sever ties with say co-workers, most people have a really hard time doing this when it comes to friends, and even harder when it comes to family. Yet the truth is that another being is another being, and as long as we stay stuck in the past, tied to the moment of what was, we are bound to be limiting ourselves and the other person in some big way.
All of us, I am sure have at least one person in our life that we are tied to in some way for reasons that are in no way serving our soul purpose or theirs. Yet our physical limitations are preventing us from freeing both parties involved.
So before we go any further, whether it is linked to sentimentality, obligation or other reasons, many of us have things or people we are tied to today, simply because we are bringing the past into the present moment. This of course cannot really be done, and hence leads many of us to the frictions and distresses that we thus experience daily in our lives.
Compassion Versus Compassion
Okay, so to really drive this point across, let us use a practical example. The example that I am going to use, I once had in my life and find that most of the people I come across today, either had, will have or are experiencing it now.
So let us go back to say your high school or college years. You made a group of friends. You had everything and anything in common and you loved each other’s company. You hung out together, you played sports together, you experienced life together and you made pacts to always be together.
Some lucky few will move with you through your life, grow with you and you will both complement each other’s lives. However, most of these friends will change, just as you will change and as you do, you will find that you have less and less in common. Some people at this point naturally and peacefully drift away and grow in separate directions. That would be the example of letting the natural ebb and flow of things take over. You allow the other to be and experience what they need, and they do the same for you.
However, some of us will not be so lucky. Either due to our efforts or the efforts of another person, a tie or attachment will be made beyond the natural point of things. Even though both people want to and need to move in opposite directions, the fear of letting go of the past, of flowing with change will be too great.
It is in these cases where you find your relationships will be the most strained and just down right draining. Can you think of any relationships like this in your life today?
Some people believe that relationships are supposed to be “hard work”, for some reason especially when it comes to romantic partnerships and that it is not the “loving” or “compassionate” thing to do to walk away. Yet most of us will agree that there is “enough” hard work in this world and the relationships we choose, should be anything but. They should be pleasant, supportive and open to growth and transformation.
So what happened?
What happened is that when this person came into your life, things were great. But you changed and grew, they changed and grew and it was not in the same direction. Now some people at this point can still really appreciate each other’s differences and build on these relationships and learn from each other. This can work, but only if both of the parties involved are not heavily tied to their egos.
Otherwise this will not work, whether it be family, friends or lovers, when people grow apart, some one’s ego usually cannot take it. Now at this point, instead of moving apart and allowing each to grow their own way, many people throw in the saying “Well, that is just not compassionate!”
Think about it:
How many spouses have grown apart and yet will not separate to go in the freedom and direction of their own growth, instead suppressing their being?
How many friendships are held onto out of obligation because you have known so and so for an “x” amount of years?
And now for the big one…
How many family members, whether it be siblings, parents or grown-up children stick together and constantly bicker, fight and argue just because society tells us that “they are FAMILY.”
So now I ask you, is that compassion? Is it compassionate to suppress each other’s growths? Passions? Interests? Freedom?
Is it compassionate that some people are afraid to go in the direction of their dreams, be who they really are and do what they really want out of fear of what their friends, family or lover will say or do?
Is it compassionate to yourself to keep yourself in these situations? Remember you have to love yourself, before you love another. The same can be said for compassion. It is very noble to try to be compassionate to the other, but not at the cost of not being compassionate to yourself first. It does not end up working out for either party this way – it usually just prolongs the painful experiences.
How did we get to this point then, that it is more polite to lie to each other and pretend to be someone else, rather than to be open and truthful about who we want to be? How is that loving and compassionate?
Spring Cleaning
Thus today I invite you to look within and at your own life. Spring is just around the corner and with it will come new life, new growth, new opportunities and for many spring cleaning.
May we be open thus to really examining our lives and being truthful and honest with ourselves and others about who we are and who we want to be.
May we examine what things in our life no longer belong there.
May we examine what people in our lives are holding us back or who we are holding back from living out their highest potential.
May we simply examine who or what is dragging us down.
It is not enough any more for many of us, especially those who are breaking out of the “cookie-cutter” norm to be held back by sentimentality, obligations and expectations. We know today, that this serves no one in the long run.
As you look within, know that moving away from, getting rid of or breaking a tie with something or someone does not need to be cold, cruel or selfish. If it is done right, that is with honesty, integrity and love, then it is one of the most compassionate things that one can do, for themselves and the other.
It is actually much less compassionate to stay with a thing or person where both parties are inflicting some sort of “abuse” on each other just because that is what we are taught is the “right” thing in the eyes of society.
What is right for your soul, only you will know. But you will also know what is not right for your soul, when an item or relationship limits you or brings you some kind of a negative experience or heartache.
In a “perfect” world, or can we say heaven, we will all love each other UNCONDITIONALLY and completely accept and understand when a soul needs to move on to pursue other growth of its own kind. Here and right now, I am not naive to the fact that you may grasp that, but the party you are involved with doesn’t, and so even when done in the most compassionate way, they may take your actions the “wrong” way, as their ego does the thinking and talking. Know though that if you acted with honesty, integrity and love, then you did the “right” thing. That soul may not see that today, tomorrow or even in this lifetime, but we will not move toward a more loving, united and conscious way of life, if all of us will be paralyzed by what the false expectations of society dictate.
Getting rid of something might be the easy part, but I know, acknowledge and realize that in no way is relationship “spring cleaning” an easy thing. Many of us struggle with some of these, most of our lives. However, as we continue to increase our awareness of these situations and grow internally and spiritually, may we find the courage to compassionately break away from the things that hinder our soul’s evolution and impede on the evolution of others just as equally. May all of our relationships be built on unconditional love, support and be open to equal growth and transformation.
About the author:Evita Ochel, B.Sc., B.Ed., CHN - is the founder and editor of EvolvingBeings.com – an online publication featuring various topics on spirituality and metaphysics. Evita teaches consciousness expansion and heart-centered living to help people attain deep meaning, peace and happiness in their life. She is also a nutritional science and holistic health expert for optimal health and longevity. Learn more about Evita Ochel or Follow her on Twitter.
14 Comments to “Who’s Dragging You Down?”
Hi Evita
Having been married and divorced, I know how easy it is to not want to look at the issues and to feel that the grass won’t be greener.
But one really does need to look at issues, see if they are in fact issues, see if they can be resolved and make the grass greener on this side, or take responsibility and move on.
It is not compassionate at all to hold people back. That is acting from a space of fear. Love truely is letting go.
Juliet
WOW!! I am skimming this as I am working right now, but this is soooo juicy that when I get to my desktop (on laptop right now) I am going to print this one out, hold it in my hands and read it tonight. It looks amazing. Then I think I will also pass it on to a friend who can really use this right now. Thank you, thank you dear Evita.
Love,
Robin
xo :)
@ JULIET – Hi Juliet!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You said such a true and powerful thing – it really does seem easier to NOT look at the issues we may have in our lives and just brush them aside….hoping that they will disappear perhaps…
And yes, you have the deeper essence of what holds any of us back – FEAR and what it would mean to be truly loving. People are afraid to change, afraid to let a thing or a person go…
Gosh I just love how you said it so eloquently in such few lines – thank you!
@ ROBIN – You are so welcome Robin, I feel blessed in being able to help others, in whatever way I can.
If I think I see something or grasp something that can make others’ lives better, easier, more positive…, then I love to share that! I truly believe we ALL can live out a blissful life – no matter what.
Unconditional love is a timeless teacher. Just when you start ot believe you have learned this valuable lesson, the universe presentts you a new set of circumstances to reflect on and re-apply yourself. One’s sense of compassion and devotion evolves. Each being has opportunities to choose to beleive in his potential, his innocence, strength and abilities. The chatacter traits you nurture shape your life. As you poignantly say, “may we find the courage to compassionately break away from the things that hinder our soul’s evolution and impede on the evolution of others just as equally.”
Everything you’ve written here, Evita, oozes loving compassion. You and Liara both remarked on “compassionately break away”… Sometimes that means breaking free of our own unconscious patterns, as well. Sometimes the other grows away from US, yet we fail to see that.
Hi there Evita – I won’t stay hanging around people for long who are dragging me down. If they are people I want to stay in contact with, I organise that I don’t see them very often, or not for very long at a time.
With family members it gets a bit trickier! I reduce how often I see them and try to deal with feelings as they arise. I also focus my attention on my own life so they don’t get under my skin, if I need to.
Hi Evita,
Your writing here today takes me back to a moment in college, many years ago, and then back to a moment about a month ago. I had a friend in college, a roommate for one year – who I spent a lot of time with. And then, in a moment that would define our relationship – it all came to a head one day. And our relationship ended. Over the years, I’ve held onto guilt about both how this ended, and that it indeed had ended what was a strong friendship. And then about a month ago, we re-connected — after probably 15 years. And I came to terms, finally, with it all. It’s all good. It WAS the right thing – for both of us. And I finally saw that upon talking to him earlier last month. It took way too long to get to that point – but I am there. Our friendship is renewed, except it is much less than it was before. And that’s about right. As hard as it seemed at the time, this ended for the right reasons (the way in which it ended could have been better).
So, Evita, thank you for this. It really feels like this is the final piece in closure on a relationship issue that has lingered for 15 years. At least in my mind. Today, I put it all to rest. The last remaining pieces. And I thank you for that. I take much comfort in knowing within that this WAS the right choice. It also helps that we’ve talked, and all is “good” between us.
As hard as it can seem when this happens – listen to your heart. Evita, this last month has been very much an affirming time for me with this issue – and to read this here today – I just understand better this process I’ve went through (where were you 15 years ago!!!)
Thank you dearly, my friend, for this today…
@ LIARA – Thank you soooo much Liara for what you said. I have to say that is such a valuable comment as it gave me a mini “aha” moment.
It is so true, we can master unconditional love in one situation and then another one comes for us to apply it again. It is one lesson that we are never done learning, as love truly is unlimited and never ending. The more you get, the more you get. The more you feel, the more you feel. It is so incredible how this works!
@ JULIE – Absolutely – sometimes we also need to simply break away from our own thoughts. That is priceless as they are perhaps first in line to “bring us down”.
What a great application Julie!It is more than just things and people, our thoughts play a huge role here. Thank you!
@ ROBIN – I have to say that is pretty much where I am at Robin. I think life is too precious to have your energy brought down by those who are not interested in perhaps “bettering” themselves, growing, evolving, etc. That is not to say that they are “bad” or “wrong” in any way, it is simply to acknowledge that we do not need to be where we do not feel our highest potential.
I completely share your thoughts and approach! Especially too when it comes to family. I have found that one need not break all ties necessarily (depending on the situation) but distance themselves a bit, enough so that both parties are in no way suffocated by the other’s “ways”.
@ LANCE – Hi Lance!
Wow that is fantastic Lance to hear that all worked out as it did. Isn’t it amazing to look at situations in hind sight. Everything always is a perfectly orchestrated plan – we just do not always see that at the time.
I am glad you were able to find peace with this situation and even re-unite to some extent with your friend. What a great learning lesson, stepping stone and evolutionary moment!
Thank you so much for sharing :)
GREAT post – very meaty! And you are right, we really do need to chew on this. Spring seems a natural time since I think of cleaning closets, opening windows for fresh air, and selecting lighter weight clothing.
I’ve found myself asking one main question these days : What is the purpose of this? It has helped me DIS-associate with a few groups, a few people and more than a few items of clutter. It makes me feel confident that the changes have purpose too.
Love your blog!!! suZen
Evita, another way to view this is to realize taking responsibility for your life means nothing “drags you down” without your consent. f you choose not to give away this inner power, then raise yourself up.
@ SUZEN – Thank you suZen :) It is true, amazing things happen when we really look at things, when we consciously look into things, when we give ourselves time and space to reflect and contemplate. We are usually flooded with answers where the right decisions for us seem to jump right out and yes this will often involve some “deeper” cleaning ;)
@ LIARA – Of course, how true! I learned this I believe from Jerry and Esther Hicks and Abraham. No one has the power to do anything that we do not allow, but that is just that – so many of us DO allow others to abuse us, limit us, or whatever the case may be and then make it seem like it is the other persons fault.
I love the idea of responsibility and accountability – it is what I believe can make the difference between being a victim or a happy, strong person who has in their life what they have, because they know they put it there.
Thanks again :)
Hi Evita, when I started reading this article I didn’t know if I agreed with you. But as happens often something within me speaks and I had an epiphany. I have conquered the family and friends issue a long time ago. I recognize toxic people and steer clear in a hurry.:) With romantic relationships it is a little more difficult. My epiphany while reading your article is that people come into your experience for different reasons. That does not mean they will be part of your experience for a life time. Development and growth are not always pleasant. sometimes people are a mirror to us. But being torn down is a different thing all together. I define a toxic person as; if you interact with a person and after the interaction you feel worse than before interacting with them they may be toxic. If it is a constant thing you need to remove them from your experience. great article!
@ REGINALDC – Thank you and I appreciate your honesty and addition here, as that is what I believe leads to growth the most – when we are all able to share our own ideas and discuss them in terms of what may work for us and what may not.
And you got it – different people indeed come into our lives to teach us or move us into different directions of growth and being. And while some can and do stay for long, others may serve a purpose even in a small passing encounter.
Hence I guess the message I want to leave people with, is just to be honest with themselves and recognize when someone is taking away rather than adding to their life and perhaps vice-versa. And to know that when we flow and move down the river of life when it comes to everything including relationships, rather than resist and paddle up stream, our lives become that much easier and meaningful.
That was deep. It’s true we each hang on to past relationships. It’s a hurting feeling when you and your friend outgrow each other. You try your best to make it work but your hurting the relationship. You never would think you and that person would become totally different people. But people evolve. I remember romantic relationships I had that died off. It was great for a while but things changed. I tried to revive them but it was never the same. Hey that’s life.