What makes relationships work?
That, is not always an easy question to answer as there are numerous parts that make up quality relationships.
One aspect however does stand out above all else, and something I have seen to be the most important theme in any and every relationship I have ever had in my life, and that is communication.
How we communicate with others, can literally make or break a relationship – dictating wholeheartedly the quality of all our relationships. This is why communication in my opinion is the cornerstone of all relationships. Without this, it is very difficult to have a good relationship with anyone.
Communication has been a key structural element in every society since the beginning of time. Through the use of communication in our everyday lives, people are able to live with one another and interact with the whole world. Sometimes however, we take communication for granted and expect or assume people will know what we need, want or like. This puts huge strains on our relationships.
To help expand our awareness of how important proper communication is, let’s explore the purpose and elements of good communication between friends, lovers and families. Let us look at how we can improve our communication in each of these areas, in order to have the best relationships we can with all those who cross our life’s path.
Communication Among Friends
There are as many definitions of friendships out there as there are friends, but the one thing that is for certain is that most people seek someone for a friend whom they can trust and be themselves with. Friendships play very important roles in our lives, sometimes even more important than family relationships.
Most people become friends quite easily, but whether they stay friends or have a solid friendship that will last, is a whole other story. When friends share openly and honestly their thoughts and feelings, trust in each other grows naturally. The relationship continues to expand and both parties feel more and more at ease. Intimate conversations among friends provide opportunities to monitor the emotional depth of the friendship. These are motivated by the compelling desire to honestly reveal emotions and thoughts to develop a bond.
As the years go by, some friendships may go through hardships or simply drift apart and may be in need of some recharging. In these cases it is especially helpful to talk to the friend about the changes taking place, to reaffirm the friendship if both of you so choose. If we ignore issues that bother us, or give up talking and sharing our feelings, friendships continue to deteriorate. Recharging a friendship may be as easy as discussing topics that were touched upon briefly or ignored in the past, but now need a deeper approach.
Sometimes in our friendships, a small difference of opinions can lead to disagreements. This is not necessarily a bad thing. On the contrary in many cases if approached from a conscious way, it can lead to insightful and stimulating conversations as long as the people involved do not attach their egos to the outcomes or turn it into a debate with a winner and a loser.
When friendships falter, it is at these times that friends need to consider proper communication about an outstanding issue more than ever, if the friendship is to have a future. Consider taking time out to sit down and talk together by sharing your feelings and opinions openly.
As friends learn together, many qualities that attracted them originally will be highlighted and brought out in these conversations. That is why even though friends may know each other well, intimate conversations provide excellent opportunities for both friends to expand their friendship and discover each other even better.
Of course sometimes, as both parties grow and evolve in different ways, the loving thing to do may actually be to end the friendship. If people start bringing out the worst in each other, or simply grew to hold completely different interests, there is nothing wrong with lovingly going separate ways. At yet other times, friendships just naturally drift apart.
In the end, it is not about staying or not staying friends with someone, but about always communicating your needs and feelings openly and honestly with the other person and being open to the same in return. It is not always easy, but honest, clear and open communication always moves us in the direction of our highest state of being.
Communication Among Lovers
Apart from friendship, love plays another important role in our lives. These two areas are closely linked as friendship is normally the basis for building an intimate and long lasting love relationship. Communication in romantic partnerships therefore may be seen as playing an even more important role, especially if two people want to commit to each other on a serious level.
An essential part of communicating successfully with a lover is establishing good conversation patterns. The conversation patterns that one establishes early on, will be the foundation upon which the rest of the relationship is based on. Poor communication habits are later hard to change without hard work and even bruised feelings. This is why honest, open and forthright communication right from the beginning of a relationships is critical to making it a good one.
Another key element to good communication between lovers is being able to talk freely about anything, without fear or shame. Talking openly and sincerely about sex, passion, commitment, and one’s dreams from the very beginning and throughout the relationship helps it grow into a long lasting love relationship. This helps the bond between you and your partner grow, evolving the relationship into a true unity.
Being intimate with a partner is more then just showing physical affection for each other, it is showing that you care enough to be your partner’s best friend. Being there for your partner when they need a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear to listen, becomes even more important as a relationship matures.
Regular communication with our partners can also help us learn more about them. Learning as much as we can about our mate by talking and listening to them can greatly improve the relationship. By doing this we can try to understand the person in depth so that we can respond to their needs in the best way. Good knowledge of the other person’s needs, wants and standards also eliminates many unnecessary fights or arguments, since we will know how the other person may react or respond to a certain action or situation. This by the way is an ongoing life process, as long as you are with your mate.
Good communication in relationships is also based on good conflict resolution. If any kind of problems arise, they should not be avoided but brought out into the open. You and your partner should feel comfortable to share your feelings openly, but always in a respectful way. By keeping negative feelings in, they decrease the level of honesty in a relationship and therefore they start to deteriorate the relationship itself.
When a person is upset or frustrated, it is of course difficult to communicate effectively. Getting angry without specifically defining the problem, sets the stage for an emotional war of words with angry accusations. Therefore at these times instead of resorting to any kind of screaming or yelling clearly describe the reasons why you are unhappy, making sure at all times to keep conscious of the part your ego is playing in all of this. The other person should at this time try to be understanding and show a willingness to openly talk about the conflicting issues.
There are times too when lovers are faced with serious problems which may take many discussions and require great amounts of time to steer the relationship back on track. It is at these crucial points especially that couples should concentrate on acquiring good communication so that they may truly try to resolve the problem, and not just turn their backs on each other and give up.
In the end however, whether one is a man or a woman the best way to a good love relationship is to build intimacy through good communication. This can be achieved by being more open about one’s feelings and also spending more time with your partner to have more opportunities to communicate together.
Communication Among Family
Apart from friends and lovers, another important part of our lives is our family. Sometimes a person can be all three things to us – a friend, a lover and a family member. It is here that communication must not only be effective, but also continually emphasized in order for the family to function well together.
Communication between parents and children is one of the most important aspects here, since the way parents communicate with their children teaches and effects how they will communicate in the future. The words parents choose make a big difference to a child. Although children also perceive their parent’s attitude through their voice and body language, what is actually spoken to a child no matter how old, plays a big part in their lives.
It is important not to make the child feel low or bad about themselves. This can be achieved by avoiding hurtful criticism, sarcasm, insensitive comments, unrealistic expectations or the withholding of love and praise. It is also important for parents to get their kids to talk about their feelings. This helps children deal with their feelings and emotions but also builds strong bonds through the production of intimate conversations.
In families, parents should also be comfortable and able to talk to their kids about any issue that may surface no matter how difficult. Frequent and meaningful communication between all family members is crucial for talking about important issues, but also for resolving problems, heading off destructive confrontations and reinforcing family unity. Without open conversations, a family’s growth can be stunted by resentment, conflicts and passivity.
Families should always have an ability to establish a conversation network that provides an equal opportunity for airing grievances, presenting opposing view points and most importantly for creating mutual respect for all its members. Parents need to keep their pride, ego and authoritarian ways in check here especially, as that sets a huge tone for the attitudes, behaviors and future communication styles of the children. Once such a network is established and functioning, parents and children alike will understand where other members stand on vital issues that affect their family. This way the conversation network is the family’s lifeline where its unity provides personal strength and emotional support.
The way to establish such a network is first, and most importantly, talking to your spouse about house rules, expectations, discipline, etc. This also establishes good communication between both parents, which must be effective in order for the rest of the family to function properly. Another step is putting aside certain times strictly for family activities. These shared times provide important opportunities for conversations. This ensures that all members can bring up their own issues and no one is left out or neglected. This is also the key to family decision making, since it gives everyone the opportunity to express their opinion, encourage discussion and try to find a solution based on compromise.
By following simple rules such as these, families can improve and strengthen their communication skills. This in return will help the family grow in deeper love, honesty and unity.
Conclusion
Communicating well with friends, lovers and family members is a very important part of our lives, at least if we want to be happy. We must all remember to communicate with others, as well as we wish to be communicated with. This builds respect, trust and honesty among people and benefits all those involved.
Communication is a crucial bridge between all people. When communication breaks down, the relationships themselves break down. Communication requires perhaps the most conscious effort of us in our daily lives.
Conscious communication also takes into account your body language, listening skills and the type of language you use. Equally important is the maintaining of and having intimate conversations with the people in your life. Even though these are not always easy to initiate, breaking through the barriers of mutual understanding and respect is worth the risk since the superficial layers of chitchat are stripped away and we become closer to the people we love.
Together friends, lovers and family members all influence our lives and it is through the gift of communication that we can stay close to these people, expand our unities and maintain great intimacy which enriches all of our lives.
*Photograph 1 provided by *clairity*
*Photograph 2 provided by Wonderlane
*Photograph 3 provided by eflon
*Photograph 4 provided by edwinmalet
*Photograph 5 provided by Francia_TNT
*Photograph 6 provided by mikebaird
*Photograph 7 provided by mikebaird
About the author:Evita Ochel, B.Sc., B.Ed., CHN - is the founder and editor of EvolvingBeings.com – an online publication featuring various topics on spirituality and metaphysics. Evita teaches consciousness expansion and heart-centered living to help people attain deep meaning, peace and happiness in their life. She is also a nutritional science and holistic health expert for optimal health and longevity. Learn more about Evita Ochel or Follow her on Twitter.
38 Comments to “Communication – The Cornerstone of All Relationships”
Hi Evita — when I was reading this, it occurred to me how much difficulty people sometimes have (including me) just saying “this is what I feel and what I want,” rather than appealing to “the rules” for “how it’s supposed to be done” or acting as if what we feel or want should be obvious. It takes a lot of courage to just say what we feel and want but I’ve found that a great weight can lift when I take a breath and do it.
Hi Chris
I don’t know Chris really why we do it so often to ourselves. We know that when we hold back on saying what we really feel, it always comes back to us in some way, and not pleasant.
The way I see it, is that society teaches that it is better to lie than be rude (or what they think is rude), or be silent rather than speak up for what you believe, or so many other contradictions.
It isn’t helping or serving us. So courage is indeed important for people around us may not always like what we have to say, but in the end, we need to be able to be true to ourselves and do what feels right, out of consciousness that is.
Evita,
I happen to think that communication is that thing that, as a whole, can be the biggest struggle. And even beyond friends, lovers, and family – this also applies to any relationship we might have (work, civic, other) and how important being able to communicate effectively can really make everyone aware of the thoughts in our heads.
If I had to pick an area that was a challenge for me – this is probably it. Not that I’m terrible at it (at least, I hope not!!) – still, though, it’s an area that I know I can sometimes “drop the ball” on.
So – this is good to read today, and be reminded of just why it is so, so good.
Hi Lance
Yes, Lance, this is an area where I so agree, we always have to be most aware of. That is just the thing, many of us aren’t, and especially when we get into “comfortable” relationships with others, whether it be spouses or friends or whatever.
But consciousness here is key….perhaps effort too. Sometimes I have experiences people do know better, but they are lazy to communicate what they want or need. Other times it is because of some cultural or gender stereotypes or expectations and so on and so forth.
Thank you so much for your great comment!
Great, post on an important topic. I believe communication (or more often lack of communication) to be one of the biggest stressors for people not only at home but at work, too. Just yesterday I received a call from a local company to present a workshop on effective communication in the workplace. It’s prevalent everywhere!
I spent a good part of the last four years working on my communication skills, not only how I speak but listening and really hearing people. It makes a big difference in how you are respected and heard in any role you play. And it takes confidence.
To follow up on what Lance said, we can’t be perfect all the time, but we can be aware, and if our words hurt in some way, we can take responsibility, speak up, apologize and still (hopefully) turn things around.
I’m not sure when communicating became so difficult!
Hi Stacey
Thank you for sharing your experience.
And you gave me something to think about with your last line…I am not sure? Has it always been this way? In some ways I think, that it has, and perhaps it was even worse. Just think of how little women even 100 years ago were allowed to communicate (never mind what they wanted).
Or perhaps it has always been as it is, some are better at it and get it, while most struggle? I don’t know. But great points to think about.
One of the challenges I have seen a lot when it comes to effective communication is that we all make assumptions about what the other person says or does.
We can take a comment or action and interpret it in many different ways. This can easily lead to misunderstandings. And misunderstandings can lead to bitterness, resentment, etc.
However, with more thorough and honest communication, these problems are much less likely to occur.
Hi Greg
Yes, excellent point! I see that especially in relationships where people were together for a while, or know each other so called “well”. As I always say and today know very well from personal experience, we can never assume.
Assuming leaves no room for the other person to grow, and we are always as beings expanding and growing. So no matter if I think I know someone, I should always look at them brand new and communicate with them today, as if it was always the first time.
You presented a complex, multi layered, most integral ingredient of any relationship in such simple, easy to understand and apply terms.
The challenge for me within communication is internal–I need to be as open accepting encouraging with myself as I am with others. As respectful, courteous, compassionate and forgiving with myself as I am with others.
In providing a forum for others to communicate openly and honestly with me as I do with them, and in participating in active listening, I find that often people are at first a bit guarded because they are not used to it, then refreshed as they realized it is a safe comfortable area to be open in. I find when communication is so easy, it leaves room for creativity, intellect, passion to blossom.
Hi Joy
Gosh Joy, thank you so much for sharing that feedback with me, it means a lot.
And great thing you mentioned about personal communication. I was thinking about including that here, but then I thought, no, that is just too big of a can of worms on its own. How we communicate with ourselves is crucial in how we communicate with others and has such an impact on how we see ourselves and others.
Hi Evita,
Thumbs up for the lovely post. Communication is something which rules everywhere.It bridges ourselves with the world. Your saying above which says “Communication requires perhaps the most conscious effort of us in our daily lives” is quite true.
have a nice day !
Hi Vikum
Thanks so much for your comment and feedback!
Evita,
This is such a “hot” topic that never seems to cool down. In fact I can simplify my hubs and my communication by saying in the beginning I spoke too much (like I still don’t) and he too little. In counseling in our very early years I learned to speak less and he learned to speak more. It saved our marriage. Balance and meeting in the middle is what we found. We’ve been together for so long we know what each other is thinking and feeling weather it’s spoken or not. A benefit of a long relationship;)
Also we communicate with each other just as much by what is not said by what is said. And body language is also communication. In fact as a therapist I was blessed with learning how to read people and it’s amazing what is learned by only observing. Sometimes it’s all we have to do if someone won’t say what’s on their mind.
Hi Tess
Thanks for pointing that out Tess. I think it is above anything else because we still can’t seem to get it right. But I am very hopeful on this front, because the more consciousness that gets infused into our society, the more we all speak with awareness that can greatly improve all relationships, instead of coming from an unconscious, unaware or Ego based space.
And thank you for adding the body language points too – absolutely! As we know it is not only what is said that matters, but how it is said!
Hi Evita!
I agree with Tess – this is one hot topic indeed! And since it is SO darn key to ANY relationship, I’m sure we all need reminders. This post was wonderful!
After 30 yrs of marriage, I can tell you our communication went thru a LOT of different stages, and not all of them good ones! Raising the kids took the biggest toll on our relationship communication-wise. It was not always so much the words that were used but the tone of voice – it took 25 of the 30 years for me to get thru to hubs that he cannot keep sounding like a barking snapping dog and get the kind of responses he wanted! Thank you, Eckhart Tolle!
Great post, Evita!
hugs
suZen
Hi SuZen,
Warm thanks SuZen for the beautiful and kind feedback!
I can only imagine how much experience on communication you carry with you having a marriage for 30 years – congratulations!
And I can imagine kids are huge make it or break it for many couples. We don’t have kids yet, but I know how it was in my own household between my parents, and I know that kids were often the reason for many communication breakdowns.
Relationships are certainly a cornerstone of life. With each moment we can be in relationship with the energy of our attention. We can be in love with the ever changing moment where our authentic participation brings life and birth to an ever evolving universe. If something is sited upon our radar within or without, it is an opportunity to communicate feelings that are either pent up and repressed so that they can be processed or released, or we can exchange seemingly brand new feelings to take us into a new dimensional space that will allow us to see something that has never been accessed or experienced in this ever changing reality before. The universe expands as we explore the nooks and cranies upon the river of life.
Hi Bernie
What a great surprise to hear from you!
Thanks so much for taking the time to include your thoughts here on this topic and adding valuable info for a further reflection.
Hi Evita,
This is such a wonderful and important topic. Many people talk to each other but not many people really communicate.
Fear gets in the way and often people are not aware of how another person may view a situation. I think sometimes people say one thing but often think something different.
Gandhi said that every word, thought and deed must be one. I think there is a lot of truth in that belief. If we come from a place of love and honesty, then it is easier to communicate. Not everyone will get that authenticity and it may scare people but then it is a good way to weed out the people you don’t want in your life.
Relationships are great teachers and provide us with an opportunity to not only learn but to grow and give love. Life, in the end, is about love. There is no reason to act from fear when our nature is to love.
Hi Nadia
Thank you for all your feedback and insights Nadia. Your point about fear is so important here, as fear has the power to paralyze everything – including our communication, which than paralyzes our relationships.
Hi Evita .. communication is so difficult – and if we can get younger members of our family and people in general to be open .. then when they get to adulthood life will be easier – they will be more understood.
We all have little jargons that we use .. which are not understood perhaps by the person we’re talking to, and we need to be aware of talking clearly.
We need to educate ourselves more in our words, and the choices within our language that we have available .. the ways to ask, how to go about it etc ..
As everyone so rightly says communication is key at all times, and all through our lives, on all matters .. family, personal, relations, friends,and professional – work or at the doctors, hospital, when dealing with authority (local government etc) ..
Hi Hilary
Yes, I so agree. I have known and lived with people for whom communication was either very easy or very hard, so I have seen both sides, and chose to take the path that I noticed will lead me to the most happiness.
Your points are so valuable to this discussion – thank you so much Hilary for underlining just how important communication is is ALL areas truly.
It took me a long time to learn how to communicate properly. You would think that this ought to be the very first lesson we are taught as children. Communication is also about bringing in our full presence, listening wholly without prejudice or prejudgments; and responding with love, understanding and compassion.
Hi Evelyn
Evelyn, I can so relate, as growing up I had great parents, but not ones who were always the best at communicating things, so my communication could have faltered and caused me a lot of pain in my life too. However, what I did is as you know, either we become like the thing we do not like, or we learn from it to become its opposite. So communication to me today is number one in all relationships.
And this does not mean that I always need to say something, as sometimes silence is just the form of communication needed, but when I do speak, I make sure that it is honest and meaningful above all else.
This is so true Evita, communication often requires the most conscious effort from us and sometimes it is really hard to make that necessary effort. I learned a lot while going through a divorce and communication was one of the top skills that I improved and realized the importance of. Awesome post as always, thank you!
Hi Lana
Thank you for the kind feedback and for sharing your experience. It is so valuable and much appreciated!
What a great post, about such an important topic. You said all of it so well. The only thing I thought to add was something I try to do when I’m communicating via email, and that is to infuse the message I’m about to send with love. As I think many people can attest to, reading words on a screen doesn’t always get messages across as intended. To sidestep that, I first try to write from the heart always, but if I’ve rushed through something (and forgotten to be mindful and come from love through each keystroke), I sort of “zap” a message with love before hitting “send.”
And on that note, much love to you, Evita!
Hi Megan
Thank you so much!
And what an incredible addition you have given to this! I love that idea and I do actually practice (not always) but often enough sending some positive energies with any kind of communication that is not done in person. And I love the feeling of it for me, and can always feel what energy an email came with to me too, especially if it is from someone close, so your idea works, I can tell you that for sure!
Lots of love, right back at you :)
I liked how you talked about having intimate conversations with the people in our lives. I would also advocate having intimate conversations with our co-workers. It’s amazing what a deep conversation does for trust.
Hi Karl
Yes, Karl great addition – trust builds when we open up and allow ourselves to share authentically with others.
Chris made a good comment up there when he mentioned how all too often we feel the need to “hide” our true feelings or emotions with false pretenses. Why do we do this? I’m not sure! But regardless, at least for me, I’ve found that only once I’m able to remove these boundaries and speak my true thoughts that I’m able to get what I truly want out of life. Does this mean I’ll have a perfect relationship with everyone? No, not at all. What it does mean, however, is that I don’t have to pretend I’m someone I’m not, and that all my relationships will be true and authentic; built upon honesty and not something that isn’t me.
Hi Travis
I think that society has made it somehow “normal” to be a certain way, instead of being a true way and sharing and expressing what we really feel. It is as I often say more okay to lie than to be honest, out of the fear of coming across as “rude”. We so often cannot say what we really feel for the fear of what others will think, instead of thinking of how holding in thoughts, feelings and emotions will impact us and our health.
And thanks for that important addition – “I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not” – I so agree. Today I find most people are through with deception and want authenticity – it feels so good too!
Wonderful post, Evita! I would just like to add to your great post that an important aspect of successful communication is active listening. This means listening to the other person rather than thinking about himself first. I also think it goes beyond listening passively; it requires empathy. It would help person put himself and his desires aside for the moment so he can fully hear what others have to say. This would show a person’s appreciation and support for others.
Hi Linda
Thank you very much :)
Your additions are wonderful and very true. It is one thing to be a good speaker and express oneself effectively, but yet quite another to be an active listener. Both are needed to make communication the best that it can be!
Hi Evita
Communication, one big subject.
You’ve covered most aspects of communication but my blog focuses on communication via Public Speaking.
To quote Cavett Robert
“Any person who cannot speak articulately and express their thoughts is handicapped in accomplishing their life goals. A person who doesn’t read is no better off than a person who can’t read.
People who can’t communicate their ideas and knowledge are no better off than those people who do not possess those ideas and that knowledge.”
That’s what I’m trying to achieve… give people the tools and confidence to communicate.
Looks like we’re in the same business.
Hi Keith
Yes, communication will either make or brake all of our relationships, and having been a teacher and today being also a speaker, I can vouch for how important proper public speaking is.
Someone may have great things to say, but it all depends on how they are said that will ultimately make a big difference.
One of my favorite tools for untangling communication is called the “mush separator” … you simply state what you *want*, what you *think*, and what you *feel.* It helps clarify where you’re coming from.
My favorite book on communication is Crucial Conversations. It’s filled with interesting patterns like “Start with Heart,” “Learn to Look,” “Master My Stories” … etc.
I dont get it sometimes that is it important to communicate or not bec now a days often people takes up things so wrongly that it is preffered to not even communicate bec its better to not been taken up wrngly then to communicate.i dont know how to talk up things and i am often being misinterpreted even when i have no intention of it so i guess with communication its important to know the way of communicating bec it matters a lot.sometimes wht u feel is not even considered at certain point and no one here is even to think on our issues so its better not to communicate..!!